"Old Scratch"

I can't believe I'm 40
that makes me middle aged

when I see it written
I wanna turn the page

Hair is getting grayer
Should I get it dyed

Forehead is all wrinkled
Fit to be tied

Like a wartime bunker
smile lines so deep

when I see a mirror
now I only weep

Fucking rolly polly
fatter everyday

So damn forgetful
forget its in the way

Can’t hold it in
Always have to pee

My bladder’s shot—
Welcome the new me

It’s a midlife crisis
I’m running for the hills

A midlife crisis
Where are my little pills

-repeats-

They say performance dwindles
Its harder getting up

Gimme MY blue diamond
Good boy my little pup

Time for plastic surgery
I never thought I’d stoop

I need some Metamucil
If I want to make a

Botox hair plugs lids pulled high
Now I look like I'm always surprised

There goes my dreams of stardom
On stage or television

Just cut around my face
And make a clean incision

No drinking, smoking,
no more having fun

I'm gonna have a stroke
Before I sing like one

by Kenny Schachter

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